Under Rug Swept
by Marty1
Summary: Shounen-ai song-fics set to the tracks of Alanis Morrisette's album, Under Rug Swept. Each track has a different pairing. Ran/Ken, Ken/Youji up so far. The third (Omi/Aya) which was up had to go away and is currently underconstruction.
1. 21 Things I Want In a Lover: Aya's Song ...

Disclaimer: The boys belong to rich and important people in a foreign country. '21 Things I Want in a Lover' is the property of Alanis Morissette and Maverick Recording.  
  
Comments: It is I, Marty, and this is my new project! I have fallen in love with Alanis Morissette's new album, 'Under Rug Swept,' and so I have decided that I will write song fics to (no not all… cause that 'I am a Man' song… not cool) some of the songs. Yeah, basically I've listened to this album waaaay too much. It's even what I was listening to when I took out twelve guardrail posts in my step-mother's car! The mental connection to the threat of almost flipping down a cliff onto a rocky beach below did not lessen my love of these songs though. Yeah, it's that good. So these fics will deal with different and various pairings. I am going to branch out, because as much as I love Aya and Ken loving each other… variety is the spice of life, ne? So that said the first one I wrote is actually an Aya/Ken. And it is to my favorite song on the CD. Ohhh. Go download it when you are done reading. Hearing it helps. R&R.  
  
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Aya's Song for Ken:  
  
"21 Things I Want in a Lover"  
  
  
  
  
  
-Do you derive joy when someone else succeeds? Do you not play dirty when engaged in competition? Do you have a big intellectual capacity? But know that it alone does not equate wisdom?-  
  
  
  
Over the top of the paper I am pretending to read I watch the one who's driving me crazy, even though he doesn't know it. Even though I'll probably never tell him. I can't remember when I started to feel like this, when songs started applying….  
  
I've been watching them whittle away the afternoon. Omi finally talked Ken into playing cards with him. Ken hates cards, but he still agreed to play.  
  
"Oh man, Omi, you beat me again! I don't even know why I try," he giggles, throwing a handful of cards into the air. "I suck at rummy, that's it, no more for me. I can't believe that you beat me four times in a row!"  
  
"Neither can I. I always loose when I play against Youji," Omi says thoughtfully.  
  
Ken grins and ruffles Omi's hair. "That's because Youji cheats, Omittchi. Why do you think Aya and I refuse to play cards with him?"  
  
"What? Youji has been cheating all this time?! But… but, I've been loosing this stupid game to him for weeks!" Omi cries, crushing a few cards in his hand.  
  
"Must feel pretty good to win for once, ne?"  
  
Omi looks up at Ken and smiles. "Yeah, it sure does."  
  
"Even if it's at my expense," Ken says wryly.  
  
Omi balks. "That's not what I meant!"  
  
Ken chuckles. "I know, I know. Just giving you a hard time. I've always sucked at card games. They stress me out way too much… you should see how rabid I get playing 'go fish'."  
  
Omi grins, and Ken stands up, patting the kid on the back. "Good game, Omi- kun. But now I must take my leave of you. I've got some reading to do."  
  
Omi giggles, "Oh… did the newest edition of Penthouse come out today? Or have you been to the manga shop again?"  
  
Ken whacks Omi on the back of the head and puts his hands on his hips. "Actually if you must know, -Omi-, I'm reading The Prophet. I'm not as shallow as I appear. Even I have the ability to enrich myself every once in a while," Ken snaps and then sticks out his tongue. "So if you two will excuse me, I have some enlightenment to achieve."  
  
I watch him walk out of the room and up the stairs. Omi shrugs and drops his cards on the table. He looks over at me where I appear to be reading the newspaper. "Huh. Who would have guessed that Ken reads philosophy?"  
  
I glance at him and shrug slowly. I would have guessed.  
  
  
  
-Do you see everything as an illusion? But enjoy it even though you are not of it?-  
  
  
  
I have stumbled upon him on the porch. He is watching the sunset over the city. I lean against the doorjamb and try not to disturb him. I have a question, but it can wait. I can be patient. I can watch him.  
  
"Hey, Aya-kun," he greets me. I'm surprised that he realized I was here. I didn't think he would notice my presence.  
  
"Hn." I walk a little farther onto the porch and stand with my hands in my pockets. I glance up at the fading sun as it disappears behind the skyscrapers; shafts of brilliant light pierce the blackness of the city windows. I shade my eyes with one hand.  
  
"It's so surreal, isn't it?" He says softly. "I mean just look at what we've created for ourselves. It's so stark and black and solid. We think that its some testament to our human genius, some proof that we have conquered the world, defeated nature. And yet there's the sun, setting against our city, proving that even here, in this manmade fortress of steel and glass, we are subject to nature's whims. Human superiority is just an illusion we created for ourselves, to give our lives some sort of meaning."  
  
I glance over at him. That's a lot of heavy shit to be coming out of Ken's mouth. I blink at him slowly. He's beautiful in the fading sunlight and shadows of the city. "Hn. And what is that supposed to mean?" I ask gruffly. I don't mean to sound so hard, but I can't help myself anymore. I wish someone else would help me instead….  
  
He shakes his head, smiling sheepishly. The light catches the movement, making his dark hair shine. "I don't really know. Sometimes I think too much for my own good."  
  
"Hn."  
  
After a moment I walk to the railing and grip it tightly with both hands. I peer over the edge into the street below.  
  
"Hey, Aya? Do you ever feel like nothing is real? Like we live in nothing but contradictory illusions?"  
  
I narrow my eyes and glare at him.  
  
He shrugs. "Never mind. Even if that is the case, that doesn't mean that we shouldn't live in our present to the fullest, right? That's why you have to barrel through life, Aya, so that just incase it all isn't real, and it could change at any moment, you get as much out of each string of moments as possible. You know what I mean?"  
  
I glare at him some more and then turn away. "No more philosophy books for you."  
  
He laughs and goes back to staring at the city. "Ok, ok. You're probably right."  
  
But even though I brush him off so easily on the outside, a part of me inside begins to understand a little more. I grasp just a little bit more of what makes Ken the way he is. And my love only deepens.  
  
  
  
-Are you both masculine and feminine? Politically aware? And don't believe in capital punishment?-  
  
  
  
As I bandage his torn shoulder he begins to cry. My fingers are shaking. I hope he doesn't notice. I don't want him to cry, I don't want him to hurt the way he does.  
  
"Stop crying, Ken," I growl.  
  
He jerks his arm away from me. His eyes turn on me and I'm forced to look into his face. He grimaces and glares at me through his tears. "Why shouldn't I cry? Maybe you never feel remorse, Aya, but I'm not like you," he hisses.  
  
That's not what I meant. I want to tell him, but I can't. I reach for his arm again. I can't let him go on bleeding without treatment. I take it gingerly between my fingers and continue to bandage his wound.  
  
"Don't you ever feel like crying, Aya?" he asks under his breath. I don't think I was supposed to hear. "All those people… all those innocent people we couldn't save. We weren't fast enough."  
  
"We didn't come here to save lives, we came here to kill the targets and we did," I respond, tying the bandage tight.  
  
"But we could have done so much more!" he cries fiercely, fresh tears running down his face. "We… we –could- have saved lives."  
  
I stare into his face for a few moments. The open sadness I find there tears at my soul. I envy him. I envy him for being able to show that sadness. I can't anymore. I've torn up all my emotions, and here he sits brimming over with them. I wonder what he sees in my face. Nothing, most likely. Only coldness, emptiness… it must seem so ugly.  
  
I stand and wait for him to get to his feet. I would like to help him up, but it's too hard to reach out my hand. It would break too many walls. He struggles to stand beside me, and brings one of his hands to his head. "I'm so tired," he whispers.  
  
We walk away slowly, leaving the carnage behind. Youji and Omi will be waiting. As we walk he stares at the ground, shuffling sluggishly beside me. I slow my pace. "Do you think what we do is right?" he asks suddenly.  
  
I glance at him and say nothing. My face always says it all.  
  
"I mean, two wrongs don't make a right. And eye for an eye? That's not the way things are supposed to work. Killing… it's wrong, isn't it, no matter the reason?" he mumbles.  
  
"You're thinking too much," I say gruffly.  
  
"Yeah. Most likely. Not something I'm usually accused of, is it?"  
  
There he goes trying to be the joker again. Trying to smile through the pain. Oh, Ken, how did you ever get wrapped up in all this? You don't deserve this.  
  
  
  
-These are 21 things I want in a lover. Not necessarily needs but qualities I prefer-  
  
  
  
How is it, Ken, that you are perfect in every way? How is it that I have fallen in love with you without even trying? Will you ever know, ever understand? Will I have the strength to tell you? The courage to let those walls tumble? Give me a sign; give me hope.  
  
  
  
-Do you derive joy from diving in? And seeing loving someone can actually feel like freedom? Are you funny? Á la self-deprecating? Like adventure? And have many formed opinions?-  
  
  
  
It's hard to breathe when I'm with him. His soft, strong arms, though so gentle around me, seem to squeeze all the air out of my lungs. The burden of loneliness he has lifted from my heart makes me feel so light. I never thought that it would be like this. I never thought he'd actually feel the same way. But he gave me hope, he gave me a sign and I pursued it with his help. Now there are no barriers between us. He thrives in my arms.  
  
He gave himself over to this so quickly, he told me he loved me. He loves me. He has no inhibitions in showing me. He's shy, shy about my touch, but his emotions are so free. He glows, he doesn't cry anymore.  
  
Tightening my arms around him I pull our bodies closer. We lie curled up on his bed, fully clothed, but so close it makes my whole body tingle. We've been like this since we got off our shift. It's been hours. Just us, for hours.  
  
"You know, koi, as much as I love being here next to you… I'm kinda hungry," he says at length.  
  
"What, love alone can't sustain you?"  
  
"Mmm… my love is very potent, but not that potent. My metabolism is not programmed to process obsession into a usable form of energy. I'm still hungry… I know, I know, I'm a selfish bastard…."  
  
"What do you want to eat?"  
  
He wiggles against me like an excited puppy. I chuckle and run my hand over his back. "Something exciting!"  
  
"Adventures in dining."  
  
"How about Indian? Ohh, or Mexican?!"  
  
I raise an eyebrow. There's something about spicy food that doesn't agree with me. "How about Chinese?"  
  
He rolls his eyes. "Oh that's really new and exciting."  
  
I shrug. I like Chinese food. "Whatever you want," I grumble. "How do we get out of here without the others?"  
  
His dark eyes sparkle deviously. "Let's repel out my window."  
  
"You think that's a good idea?"  
  
"Oh c'mon, where's your sense of adventure? It'll be easy, and then we don't have to give the others a bunch of stupid excuses or try and dodge them. It'll be fun!"  
  
"A barrel of laughs."  
  
He squeezes his arms around me tightly and buries his face in my shoulder. He hums against my body sending little vibrations through my skin. "I love you…."  
  
I give in, like usual. "Ok, fine. Out the window it is. Just don't get either of us killed."  
  
"I wouldn't think of it."  
  
  
  
-These are 21 thing I want in a lover. Not necessarily needs but qualities that I prefer. I figure I can describe it since I have a choice in the matter. These are 21 things I choose to choose in a lover-  
  
  
  
You saved my soul, Ken. How can I tell you how well you fit my image of everything I want? Do I measure up to your needs? Do I give you what you want? I choose to choose… I choose you.  
  
  
  
-I'm in no hurry I could wait forever. I'm in no rush cause I enjoy being solo There are no worries and certainly no pressure. In the meantime I'll live like there's no tomorrow-  
  
  
  
"I know that you aren't ready yet, Ken, but when we finally make love, and I do mean when and not if, because I'm not waiting around forever, it is going to be the most wonderful thing that has ever happened. I can feel it. It is going to be beautiful and perfect and so incredibly –right- that you will never doubt that we are meant to be together. I'll wait for you."  
  
I remember my words to him that night. I hold to them. I will wait for him. I'll wait until he's ready. Never again will I rush this, I don't need to. I can be patient. No pressure, aité, no pressure. The smile on your face is enough, the hidden touch of your hand behind the counter, the faintest trace of a blush that appears on your cheeks at the prospect of being caught. These things will tide me over.  
  
And until you come to me of your own free will, I will live everyday as you told me to. I will live to the fullest with you, just incase this is all an illusion….  
  
  
  
-Are you uninhibited in bed? More than three times a week? Up for being experimental? Are you athletic? Are you thriving in a job that helps your brother? Are you not addicted?-  
  
  
  
Our bodies twine together. I can no longer tell where he ends and I begin. We are one, we are complete. He moans and calls my name softly, his hands caress me, his lips seek me out shamelessly. The sweat of our bodies mingles together. I whisper softly in his ear and he whimpers in response, rocking against me, pulling me into him, giving everything of himself. There are no boundaries here. The inhibitions are gone.  
  
He twists beneath me and clutches at my shoulder, pushing sharply. "Oh God…," he groans. "Let me… let me be… on top." His breath comes in quick little pants. I lick his neck, the salt of his body on my tongue. I pull away from him, sitting back. He scrambles after me, pushing me back, straddling my legs, lowering himself onto me. His body shudders around me, shivering at the intrusion. He throws his head back, crying out wordlessly as he meets my thighs. He leans back, shifting his hips forward. He rocks to a fro, making love to me. He's always finding something new to try.  
  
I'm no longer aware of myself, only of the sensation. I clutch at the sheets, letting him rock me. I pant and cry out. I plead with him for something I can't even name. I call his name, I hear my own echoed in response.  
  
With one hand he takes his arousal, the motion of our bodies causing him to thrust into himself even as I do. When he comes, he cries out loudly, expelling thick, warm strands of semen into his hand. He falls back onto the bed again, gasping. I crawl up, pushing his legs back. I'm on top again. I finish it for both of us, and hold him against me in the afterglow.  
  
The warm arms of my lover. They hold me so tightly. We lie together, covering each other with murmurs and kisses. Eventually he roles me over, lying on my chest, his head to my heart.  
  
"Tomorrow? Same time, same place?" he asks softly, a playful edge on his voice.  
  
I tighten my arms around him and run my hand over his face. "You are going to run me ragged."  
  
He chuckles and reaches up to touch my lips. He brushes my red hair from my eyes and smiles at me gently. "Hey, if nothing else it's a good workout. Sure beats running or doing sit-ups. Don't tell me you can't keep up with my athletic machine of a body," he says dangerously, his eyes glinting.  
  
I roll my eyes. "You think you're so special, don't you, soccer boy?"  
  
"Hey, when was the last time you saw legs as toned as mine?" he asks jabbing my ribs.  
  
I make a show of thinking about it. I bite my lip. "Well, Youji has pretty nice legs for a guy…."  
  
"What?! Youji? Oh please, he couldn't keep up with me. He'd get all out of breath, he probably has emphysema, you know."  
  
I chuckle.  
  
"I could never be a smoker. I respect my body too much. Bleh," he says thoughtfully, turning his head, pressing his ear against my chest. I run a hand through his hair and play with the soft strands between my fingers.  
  
"And you'd smell bad, too."  
  
"Yeah, there's always that," he replies.  
  
"Besides," I say softly, "the only thing I want you addicted to is me."  
  
He looks up at me with his luminous chocolate eyes. He grins and then kisses my bare skin. "Don't worry, koi. I can never get enough."  
  
I smile and look up at the ceiling. Guess that makes two of us.  
  
  
  
-…are you curious and communicative?- 


	2. Narcissus: Ken's Song for Youji

Disclaimer: They belong to someone else and were borrowed for the purpose of entertainment.  
  
Comments: It's the second song-fic, set to my second favorite track, and about my second favorite pairing. Sloppy seconds all around! *hehehe* It turned out to be amazingly long. It would not stop. I underestimated the power of this song to drag shit out. Please don't ask where the other two Weiss boys are during this whole escapade cause I have no idea… maybe shagging in the potting shed…. Hmmm, that's a lot of shagging. Anyway, read and enjoy. I hope it is worthy in some way, shape, or form. R&R!! *rubs eyes* Sleepy-me….  
  
  
  
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Narcissus: Ken's Song For Youji  
  
  
  
Dear momma's boy I know you've had your butt licked by your mother  
  
I know you've enjoyed all that attention from her  
  
And every woman graced with your presence after  
  
Could he stop flirting with ever single woman who comes in here for five seconds? Is that so much to ask? I don't think it's asking a whole lot. He's so needy, god… he just soaks up all the attention. Giggle, oh Youji, you're so suave. Oh, Youji, you're so sweet. Thank you for the flowers, Youji. Youji, you're the end all, be all of humanity, god's gift to women!! Please let all of us strip naked and show you just how much we love you! It's enough to make me want to barf.  
  
Just because he know's he's sexy doesn't mean that he has to take it for granted. He's such a fucking player! I don't know why it pisses me off the way it does, just watching him make the moves on these stupid, gaggling girls. He's just such a prima donna! If he put half the energy he puts into flirting into doing some work around here….  
  
I don't even notice that I've been staring at him for almost two straight minutes. My eye is twitching in irritation. He looks up at me and saunters over as the last of his personal fan club exit the premises.  
  
"Your eye is twitching, Kenken," he drawls.  
  
"I know. It's because I've been forced to witness your shameless acts of lechery," I snap.  
  
He chuckles and comes to stand next to me. He puts a hand on my shoulder and I glare at it. "Jealous?"  
  
"What?!" I cry incredulously, whipping my head up, finding my nose only inches from Youji's. I furrow my eyebrows.  
  
"You're blushing," Youji says smoothly and then walks away, flipping his hand in the air.  
  
"I.. I am not!" I cry.  
  
"Are so."  
  
I reach up and scrub at my face. So what if I am?  
  
  
  
Dear narcissus boy I know you've never really apologized for anything  
  
I know you've never really taken responsibility  
  
I know you've never really listened to a woman  
  
  
  
He's home early. Great, that means either one of two things has happened. Either he didn't like her and he dropped her off early or she wasn't going to put out and he left in a huff. No matter which way it went he's going to tell me all about it. And that means I might as well kiss the last quarter of my game good bye.  
  
"Good bye," I say under my breath to the television set as I hit the record button on the VCR. At least I can catch it tomorrow.  
  
"Can you believe it?!" Youji says loudly from the entry way where he is hanging up his coat. "I can't believe it. What a night! Jesus Christ, what a total waste of my time that was."  
  
"What happened this time?" I ask as unenthusiastically as I can.  
  
He rounds the corner and pretends to be surprised that I am sitting on the couch. "Oh, Kenken, I didn't think you'd still be up."  
  
"Uh huh, cause you were talking to nobody there in the hallway," I say sarcastically.  
  
He shrugs and retreats back around the corner. "Ok, so get this," I hear him call out from the kitchen. A couple cupboards bang open and closed. "I take this girl, Nobuko right, out to dinner. I mean I really go the whole nine yards. I get dressed up we go to a fancy shmancy Italian place, and I don't even like Italian," he says through a mouthful of something, coming back into the TV room and plopping down on the couch beside me. He tosses a bag of umiboshi into my lap. I take one out and put it on my tongue. Man these things are salty.  
  
"Yeah," I say, taking a bite out of the pickle plum.  
  
"We go on a walk by the river, and I bought her flowers, and this and that and the other thing. Well, you know, it's just like I go through all this effort and for what? We get to her place and not even so much as a 'would you like to come in for some coffee?' Nothing, not even a goodnight kiss, and when I decide I'd better make a move before my whole evening is for naught she has the nerve to be put out. All I wanted was a kiss, just one little kiss… and if it happened to lead somewhere else… be that as it may. But no! I mean she dressed like she was offering, too. Low cut this, high cut that, more skin than silk if you know what I mean. What a cock-tease!"  
  
"Maybe not every woman wants to be ravished just because she likes to dress sexy. Ever think of that? Just because your like to think of yourself as Casa Nova, doesn't mean every woman simply can't resist your charms. It's possible she was looking for more than a one night romp with Youji 'Can't- Refuse-Me' Kudou. You can't always think about what -you- want," I say through my mouthful of plum.  
  
He raises and eyebrow and looks at me askance. "What are you implying? Are you implying that I'm insensitive?! I'll have you know that I am a very thoughtful lover!"  
  
"That's not what I meant!" I cry, halfway choking on my umiboshi. "And why the hell would I want to know that?!"  
  
"I don't know, you brought it up," Youji says, shrugging.  
  
"I did not! All I was trying to say is that maybe you should think about what a woman wants out of dating you. Not every woman wants to be a tick mark on your wall, a name in your little black book, just some number you'll never call back! Take responsibility for yourself, Jesus. I mean do you even listen to the women you take out or do you hope they'll just hurry up and close their mouths so that you can get them in the sack that much faster? "  
  
"Whoa, slow down there woman-rights guy, I never said I didn't listen to women. All I'm saying is that I don't like cock-teases! If you don't intend to put out, don't act like you do! That's all I'm saying. A woman should be a little more considerate than that," Youji says forcefully, getting into my face.  
  
"If your mind wasn't always in the gutter then maybe a nice girl trying to be attractive wouldn't come across like that!" I shout back at him. I have no idea why I care so much, but it's too late to stop arguing with him now.  
  
He looks at me for a moment and narrows his eyes. He reaches up slowly and touches the tips of his fingers to my face, brushing them across my cheek. I pull back, "What are you…!"  
  
"Hmm, you aren't a cock-tease, are you, Kenken?" Youji asks thoughtfully.  
  
"N-nani!? Wha… what does that have to do with anything?! I don't think that's very pertinent…!" As I stumble over my words, my face turning furiously red, Youji slowly leans closer to me. When his lips softly cover mine the words cease to come. I can't move. I can't think. My whole body goes taught as his lips begin to work at mine. My eyes flutter open and closed and I make an odd strangled sound. This was not expected. It cannot be properly processed. I feel his hair brush against my cheek as it falls forward from behind his ear. His fingers gently caress my cheek and toy with my ear. He doesn't force the kiss it's just there, soft against my lips. He pulls back and releases me with the gentlest parting, a barely audible smack.  
  
I purse my lips together, taking a quavering breath through my nose. I can't move. I can't open my eyes. I'm overloaded. Youji just kissed me. He wants to know it I'm a cock-tease. Danger, Ken Hidaka, danger!!  
  
"Mmm, salty," Youji murmurs. He gets up and pats me on the head as I sit there in shock, unable to do anything. "Guess I got that kiss after all. Nighty night, Kenken."  
  
  
  
Dear me-show boy I know you're not really into conflict resolution  
  
Or seeing both sides of every equation  
  
Or having an uninterrupted conversation  
  
  
  
I finally recover from the couch. Now I'm pissed. So pissed it's most likely irrational. I have never -never- been kissed by a man before! I never even kissed my father! But that really isn't what has my panties in a bunch… it's the fact that when all was said and done… I kinda liked it. Youji kissed me and I liked it, he deserves a punch in the face for that.  
  
I storm up the stairs and down the hall. I don't care if the others hear or not. I throw Youji's door open and stand there seething. "You arrogant bastard!" I yell.  
  
Youji is standing by his closet already in his pajamas. He looks over at me and raises an eyebrow. "You have a reaction lag time of about ten minutes, did you know that, Ken?"  
  
"You're mocking me?!" I cry, slamming the door shut and coming into the room.  
  
"Not exactly 'mocking' per se. More like… poking fun," he answers stretching languidly.  
  
"Well fuck you! I can't believe you did that!"  
  
"Did what? Kissed you? Oh, come on, Kenken, it's just shits and giggles. Don't take it so personally," he says rolling his eyes and walking away from me towards his desk.  
  
"Don't take it personally?!" I cry incredulously. "You just invaded my personal space and -kissed- me! I think I can take it personally if I want to."  
  
"Oh, Jesus, it was just a little kiss. Not like I was licking at your tonsils."  
  
I gape at him, unbelieving. "You don't care. You honestly don't care that I have a problem with this… with what you just did. You really are a selfish bastard."  
  
"C'mon, Ken, get over it. Apparently you didn't even enjoy it, so just chalk it up to another new experience," he says blandly. Then he catches something in my face and narrows his eyes, smiling wryly. "Or did you enjoy it? Is that what this is about, Kenken? Do you want me to kiss you again?"  
  
"N-no! That isn't it!" I cry, backing away from him.  
  
"Are you sure?"  
  
"Yes!" But as Youji advances on me, his movements oozing sex appeal and confidence I find myself shivering for no apparent reason. I don't want him to kiss me again… do I? I don't want to feel his soft fingers against my skin of his hair on my cheek. I don't. I don't. I… I… don't?  
  
He smiles at me secretively and takes my face in his hands, tilting it upwards towards his. "Are you still sure?" he murmurs.  
  
I swallow hard, a dizzy buzz begins in my ears. "No…," I whisper.  
  
He smiles indulgently and then slowly takes my mouth with his. Holymarymotherofgod! He's really… really good at this. He moves his jaw slowly, letting his tongue move over my lips, the motion opens my mouth allowing him inside with no resistance. He pulls my face closer kissing me passionately, moaning deeply. Butterflies erupt inside of my stomach, twisting and turning, my heart races, beating madly against my rib cage. Before I know what I'm doing I'm kissing him back, letting my tongue slide over his, my hands grasp his hips, pulling him closer to me.  
  
Shitshitshit!! What am I doing?! I can't just make out with Youji! I grunt against his mouth and pull away, forcing my lips to break with his. That really shouldn't have been as hard as it was…. "Youji… Youji wait… stop," I pant, pushing his hips back. He tries to pull my face to his again, his lips seeking mine, but I turn my head and he kisses my neck instead. I shove against him. "Youji! Wait a minute… we… we really need to talk about this," I cry, breaking away from his body completely.  
  
I stumble backwards and stand, trying to catch my breath.  
  
He looks at me with dangerous eyes and comes closer. "I don't want to -talk- about this, Ken."  
  
"Well, I do. I… I can't just do this with you. You're my friend, you're my colleague, you… you're a -boy-."  
  
"What does it matter? Are you enjoying it?"  
  
"That's not the point!" I snap. Why is he always so obtuse?  
  
"Yes it is. Now shut-up and let me kiss you," he growls, advancing on me so quickly I have no time to react before I'm caught in his arms, smashed against his hard body. The kissing continues, I twine my arms around his neck, burying my fingers in his long hair. How the hell did I get myself into this?  
  
He runs his hands down my back, cupping my ass, hitching me upwards. Somehow I know what he wants and as he pulls me upwards I push off the floor, wrapping my legs around his body. I cling to him tightly as he holds me up against him. I blush furiously, lost in a lust haze as he begins to suck on my neck. "What the hell am I doing?" I whisper, burning in my shame.  
  
"Exactly what you want to," Youji murmurs in my ear. He walks with me back towards the bed and lowers me onto it, running his hand up under my shirt. I shiver. He starts to undress me.  
  
"I… I don't want to be one of your bitches," I hiss angrily.  
  
"Don't worry, Kenken. You're more than that to me," he says silkily.  
  
I bet you say that to all the girls….  
  
  
  
And any talk of healthiness  
  
And any talk of connectedness  
  
And any talk of resolving this  
  
Leaves you running for the door  
  
  
  
I wake up slowly still wrapped up in Youji's arms. I never thought I would ever wake up like this. The images of last night flood my mind. I shift. I'm sore in places I didn't even know existed. I feel so… dirty. I feel sick, used, disgusting. Why? Ugh… how did I let this happen? I need him. I need him to calm my fears and tell me that things are ok. I need to hear him say that what we did was alright. I need him to validate me.  
  
I roll over in his arms and touch his face. I feel tears begin to form in my eyes. "Youji…," I whisper, "Youji, wake up. We need to talk."  
  
He stirs and smacks his lips. I trace my fingers over his face and nudge him with my foot. His lazy, green eyes open slowly and then smile at me. "Ohiou, Kenken," he says languidly. He kisses my bruised lips smartly and yawns. He pulls me closer and whispers in my ear, "You were great. Best I've had in a long time."  
  
I choke. Why is that not what I wanted to hear? "Youji… I…," I begin. I look up into his eyes, he looks back. Can he see the hurt there? The uncertainty that I feel?  
  
Something flashes across his face and is gone. "Youji, listen…," I try again.  
  
He turns over suddenly and stretches looking at his bedside table. "Whoa! Is that the time already? Man, I overslept!" he cries sitting up suddenly. It's so cold all of a sudden.  
  
"Youji we need to talk," I say quietly, propping myself up, touching his arm.  
  
He stretches. "Sure, Ken. But I've got the opening shift today, so we'll talk later."  
  
"No, Youji, we really need to…."  
  
"I know, I know, but like I said I gotta go," he cuts me off, throwing back his half of the covers and getting out of bed. I try not to watch him as he gathers up a pile of clothes and starts pulling them on. "That was quite a night, ne, Kenken? You're quite the tiger," he chuckles.  
  
"Youji, I…," I say, feeling my throat tighten.  
  
"Sure was a bit of a surprise evening though. And here I thought it was going to be a bust. I'm glad you were waiting up for me."  
  
"Please, Youji, just listen to me for a second…," I say a bit frantically.  
  
"Haven't had that much fun in quite a while. Hope it was as good for you as it was for me," he drawls buttoning up the last button on his shirt and turning towards me.  
  
"Youji, I need…."  
  
"I know, I know. Later, Ken, I really gotta get downstairs. Ok?" he says a bit sharply crossing to me and pecking me on the lips. "It's been fun, kiddo. Later."  
  
I feel my chest begin to constrict as I watch him walk away from me. He's halfway out the door by the time I manage to yell, "Youji!!" Tears begin to spill from my eyes and I choke on a sob.  
  
He tenses up, but doesn't turn around. "I said later, Ken!" he shouts then murmurs under his breath, "Pull yourself together."  
  
He shuts the door behind him and as soon as he is gone I cry openly. I can't believe he did this to me! I… I let him use me…. Youji used me. Doesn't he care at all? How did I let this happen?  
  
  
  
(Why why do I try to love you  
  
Try to love you when you really don't want me to)  
  
  
  
What have you done to me, Yotan? Why did you do this? Why did you make me fall in love with you when you don't want to be loved by anyone? It hurts. It hurts to know that I love you, and to say it out loud. I could make you happy if you let me. I'll be yours anytime… yours because I fell in love with you just like all those stupid little girls who can't resist your charms. Did you think that I could resist when no one else ever has?  
  
  
  
Dear egotist boy you've never really had to suffer any consequence  
  
You've never stayed with anyone longer than ten minutes  
  
You'd never understand anyone showing resistance  
  
  
  
He blows into my ear and purrs softly.  
  
I bat him away. "Get off," I growl.  
  
"That's not what you said the other night," he singsongs against my neck, planting a kiss on my shoulder.  
  
"That was my mistake, so I'm saying it now," I snap, turning to face him.  
  
He furrows his brows and glares at me. "What got you all Pre-Menstrual?"  
  
I glare back. "What the hell do you think?!"  
  
"This isn't about me having to go to work that morning, is it?" he asks, rolling his eyes.  
  
I don't answer.  
  
"C'mon, Ken, it isn't like I had a choice! I had to go to work! I didn't have time to lay around in bed with you and whisper sweet nothings back and forth."  
  
"No, but maybe you could have taken five minutes to listen to me, five minutes to let me know everything was alright, five fucking minutes to tell me that you didn't use me and that I shouldn't feel like a whore!" I cry shoving him back. "You'd just fucked me up the ass, Youji! You could have at least made me feel ok about it and not just run away like the son of a bitch that you are!"  
  
He stares at me blankly. "I had to go to work," he growls again. "Don't you get it?"  
  
"Oh, I get it Youji. You're the one who doesn't get it."  
  
"Ken, I'm sorry, ok? I didn't mean to hurt you. Next time we can talk all you want, just wake me up earlier," he says gently stepping closer to me.  
  
"Next time?! There isn't going to be a next time!" I cry. "That was a one time fluke."  
  
"You don't mean that, Kenken," he says silkily. And he's right, I don't. But I'll be damned if I'll admit it.  
  
"Why the hell would I want to do that again, Youji? All you did was make me feel like some cheap thrill. I told you, I'm not going to be one of your bitches!"  
  
"I never intended to make you one! When I was with you the other night it never once occurred to me that it would be a one time thing, I meant for it to be more! I would never have started something like this with you if I didn't mean to see it through," he says angrily.  
  
"Yeah, well that's kinda funny coming from you, Youji. You can't even stay with a woman more than ten minutes. What would make me think that I'm any different?"  
  
He stares at me blankly. He tries to find something to say. "… because… because I…. I… you are… more than that. I mean obviously. I respect you more than that!"  
  
"Nice try, Yotan. See you later," I snap, turning and walking away. I'm tempted to turn around just to see the look on his face.  
  
  
  
Dear popular boy I know you're used to getting everything so easily  
  
A stranger to the concept of reciprocity  
  
People honor boys like you in this society  
  
  
  
I'm sitting at my desk, going over the latest mission stats when he throws my door open and stomps into my room, shutting it with his foot. I look over at him and furrow my brows. "Ever heard of knocking? What the hell do you want?"  
  
He crosses his arms and leans against my dresser. "I think you know what I want, at the expense of sounding cliché… I want you. I'm really getting tired of this little game you're playing."  
  
I push away from the desk and glare at him. "What game? You think that just because I don't fall at your feet, overcome with longing and adoration that I'm just toying with you, masking my true desires? You really are delusional, you know that? I'm not playing a game, Youji, I really don't want to have sex with you… ever again."  
  
"You're lying, Kenken. If there is one thing I know about it's sex drive, and you want me almost as much as I want you."  
  
"You are so arrogant!" I cry, anger flashing in my eyes. "Why would I want to sleep with you again? So you can use me and leave me alone and uncertain and afraid the next morning again? I don't think so, Youji. I leaned my lesson the first time around. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me. I don't need you to make me feel worthless. I already have a whole list of other things that do that just fine."  
  
"Oh, Ken," he sighs. He crosses to me and to my surprise kneels down in front of my chair. "I never meant to make you feel like that. I swear. I didn't mean to hurt you, I just didn't understand…." He's so smooth. Without my even realizing it, he's pushed my legs apart and laid his head against my stomach, nuzzling me softly. I suck my breath in sharply. "Ken… I wanted to be with you so badly. I've wanted for us to be together for so long. I guess that after it actually happened… I was a little gun shy, I admit it. Maybe I rushed out of there in a bit of a hurry, but… I was so afraid that you would reject what we'd done. I didn't want to hear it."  
  
Even though I hiss, "You're so full of shit," under my breath I still run a hand through his hair.  
  
He nuzzles me again and then looks up into my eyes. "I swear, Ken, I am not full of shit. Not about this, not when it comes to you."  
  
I grumble but find myself smiling. "You're just soooo smooth," I say shaking my head. "I bet you think you can talk your way out of anything." Or into anything for that matter….  
  
"It's a gift."  
  
  
  
And any talk of selflessness  
  
And any talk of working at this  
  
And any talk of being of service  
  
Leaves you running for the door  
  
  
  
"Youji, I really want to talk about this. If you are serious about… us… being together then… well, I really need to think about it. I need to know exactly what you want from me. I need you to be open and honest. I can't jump blindly into something like this with you, there is too much at stake."  
  
"Uh huh."  
  
"I mean it! This can't be one sided. I won't just let you take what you want from me and forget about the rest. That isn't fair. You need to help me through this… I've never been in a relationship with a man before… and it's pretty obvious that you have so…."  
  
"I wouldn't call them 'relationships'…."  
  
"Youji, listen… I'm scared. I don't want to get burned here. Are you laying it on the line or what's the deal?!"  
  
"Ken…."  
  
"Are you even listening to me?!"  
  
"Can we fuck now?"  
  
  
  
(Why why do I try to help you try to help you  
  
When you really don't want me to)  
  
  
  
Youji, what the hell do you want from me? I would love to be able to hold you and take away the pain I know you feel everyday. I want to replace all the empty nights you try to patch up the holes in your soul with. You made me love you. That love makes me want to help you. If I reach out, will you accept my hand? Somehow, I doubt it.  
  
  
  
You go back to the women who will dance the dance  
  
You go back to your friends who will lick your ass  
  
You go back to ignoring all the rest of us  
  
You go back to the center of your universe  
  
  
  
"Now what the fuck is wrong?" he shouts after me as I storm up the stairs.  
  
"I can't do this any more!" I yell back over my shoulder. "I can't keep trying and trying and trying and not get anywhere with you!"  
  
"What did I do now?" he asks running after me.  
  
"You were hitting on those stupid women again!" I snap, turning around.  
  
"So what?! Ken, you know it means nothing to me."  
  
"Then why do you even fucking bother?" I cry. "No, don't answer. I'll tell you why. Because it feed your goddamned ego, that's why. You just love to have all those pretty ladies fawning all over you, giggling at your stupid jokes, petting you, and making cute little remarks. That's why you do it and it makes me sick!"  
  
"Hey, it isn't like I get it from you," he shoots back.  
  
That's the worst thing he could have said. "You're right, Youji, you won't get it from me. I won't pamper you and lick your ass and dance your stupid little dance, so if that's what you want then fine. We're through and you can go back to being the center of attention skipping from one bimbo to the next." I spin around and take the stairs two at a time.  
  
"Ken! You can't be serious. I can't believe you let a stupid thing like this get you so bend out of shape. Ken… Ken!"  
  
  
  
  
  
Dear self centered boy I don't know why I still feel affected by you  
  
I've never lasted very long with someone like you  
  
I never did although I have to admit I wanted to  
  
  
  
Why should I care what he does? I don't. This whole thing was stupid and wrong from the beginning. I could never have a relationship with Youji! He's Youji for god's sake. And yet… I want to be with him still. I feel the affects of him all through my body every time I think about how he touches me and kisses me. I knew this wasn't going to work. I knew from the very beginning that this whole thing was a fluke, and yet… I wanted it to work out so badly. I never really thought… that I could truly love him, but I do. Little good it does me though.  
  
  
  
Dear magnetic boy you've never been with anyone who doesn't take your shit  
  
You've never been with anyone who's dared to call you on it  
  
I wonder how you'd be if someone were to call you on it  
  
  
  
I pass him in the kitchen and he follows me into the TV room. I try to ignore him, but he grabs my arm before I make it to the couch. He looks at me with intense eyes. "Ken, this is stupid. You know I want to be with you and only you."  
  
I pull my arm away. "No, Youji, that's not what you want. What you want is someone who treats you like the god you like to think of yourself as. Well, I'm sorry, but I can't worship you and I can't spoil you like all your slut girlfriends. I know you too well, and I respect myself too much."  
  
"Ken, that's not what I want from you."  
  
"Yes it is," I reply, "and I'm tired of it. I can't take your shit any longer. That might come as a shocker to someone who has never had someone not take their shit, but I'm sorry, I told you, I can't do this. Go back to your adoring fan club if that's what you want."  
  
He comes closer to me looks like he wants to touch me, but he doesn't. He shakes his head. "That's not what I want."  
  
"What do you want?"  
  
"I already told you once… I want you," he whispers. This time he does reach up and put one hand on my face. I cast my eyes down.  
  
"Yotan… I can't let you jerk me around anymore. You started this… I wish you hadn't, because I feel things for you that…," I trail off, unable to find the words.  
  
He leans in and kisses me softly, grabbing my ears and pulling my face to his. "I'll be better, Kenken. Just be patient."  
  
  
  
And any talk of willingness  
  
And any talk of both feet in  
  
And any talk of commitment  
  
Leaves you running for the door  
  
  
  
He pulls me tightly against his body and I grip his shoulder, my nails digging into his skin. I moan and gasp as he rocks into me, taking me towards ecstasy. He licks my neck and groans as I tighten myself around him. He throws his head back, his long hair sticking to his sweat slick face, neck, and shoulders. A wordless cry tears itself from my throat as he pulls out and plunges back into me, hitting home and sending a wave of pure erotic pleasure zipping through my body.  
  
It's different this time. Everything is different this time. This time it feel like we're making love….  
  
"Ken," he sobs in his need for release, "Oh, god… Ken… I love you… shit I love you…," he pants against my skin.  
  
"Youji!" I cry his name in joy as he shoves himself into me as deeply as he can one last time and spends himself inside of me. The sensation sends me over the edge and I rock up against his body, the friction causing my own orgasm.  
  
In the afterglow we lay in each other's arms kissing and petting, panting and whispering to each other. He brushes the hair from my eyes and kisses me again and again as if I might melt away if he stopped. I tangle my fingers in his hair.  
  
"Did you mean it?" I pant between kisses.  
  
"Hm?"  
  
"Did you mean it… when you said that you loved me?" I ask, pushing his shoulders back so that I can look into his eyes.  
  
He blinks and looks away. "…er… I said that?"  
  
"Youji…. I need to hear you say it again," I whisper.  
  
He looks back at me and I can see the fear in his eyes. What is he so afraid of? Will it really kill him to admit that he can love? I decide to make it easier for him. I lean up and kiss his ear. "I love you," I whisper softly, "You made me fall in love with you, Youji. There's nothing to be afraid of… we have the same amount to lose."  
  
He buries his head in my shoulder and sighs. "Oh, Ken. You just don't understand, do you?"  
  
  
  
(Why why do I try to change you try to  
  
Try to change you when you really don't want me to)  
  
  
  
I can't make this any easier for you, Yotan. Just take the step, make the leap… I promise it won't kill you to think of someone other than yourself. I'm not going anywhere. I want you to be open with me, I want you to share what you are feeling. Stop closing it off! Things will never get better this way. You made me love you and in doing so I want to help you, but the only way I can help you is if you change. But who am I kidding… you'll never change.  
  
  
  
You go back to the women who will dance the dance  
  
You go back to your friends who will lick your ass  
  
You go back to being so oblivious  
  
You go back to the center of the universe  
  
  
  
________________________________________________________________________  
  
  
  
After thoughts: Whoa… that was like the marathon song-fic from the black lagoon. It seriously refused to end. Well. Hope it was enjoyed. Whew. *towels off and chugs some Gatorade* 


	3. Precious Illusions: Omi's Song for Aya

Precious Illusions has gone away. It needed an overhaul. It was… very bad. I don't know why I posted it. I'm blaming it on the heat and humidity and the stress caused by the breakdown of my laptop. **My LAPTOP BROKE** AHHHHHH!!  
  
Anyway, stay tuned. I'm going to fix this and redeem myself. Half of me wants to just scrap it… hmmm.  
  
Later.  
  
Marty };( (that's my unhappy winking face…) 


End file.
